The Sharp Hint Of New Tears
by fmd-jade
Summary: The world has room to make a bear feel free, yet the universe seems cramped to you and me.  post 'Marionette'
1. Prologue

_What's worse__? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome.  
They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again._

* * *

"Olivia. Do you think I could have some yogurt? Strawberry perhaps?" Walter looked up from his dinner almost timidly, his questioning voice barely audible.

Olivia looked at him in surprise. When she noticed his sad gaze, she set down her own fork and sighed. "Walter, we don't have any yogurt here."

Walter just sighed and nodded mutely, his gaze already downcast again.

"Tell you what. If you still want some tomorrow, I'll get you some, okay?" Olivia forced herself to smile, something that hadn't come easily to her in the last few weeks.

Walter just nodded absentmindedly. He grabbed his fork once more, but instead of eating he merely pushed his food around, separating the peas and carrots into neat little piles. Olivia watched him. She wasn't hungry either.

"Okay, I think we can go now." Walter pushed his plate away and looked at Olivia expectantly, the yogurt already forgotten.

"Go where?"

"Well to the lab of course. There's work to be done." He got up from the table and went into the hallway. "Come come, we have a long day ahead of us, my dear." He called from the front door.

.

Olivia had to blink back the tears burning in her eyes and took a deep, ragged breath.

.

"What are you waiting for?" Walter's barely existing patience was already running thin.

"Walter."

He didn't hear her. How could he? Olivia's voice carried nothing of its usual strength.

"Olivia!" He called once again from the door.

"Walter! Come back here!" Olivia sniffed and wiped at her eyes, before she got up from the table.

"Well, what is it?" Walter stood in the doorway to the kitchen, scarf around his neck and one arm by now in the sleeve of his coat.

"It's nine p.m., Walter." She moved over to him and took his coat out of his hands. "There's no need for us to go to the lab now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." She took his scarf from around his neck and deposited it on a kitchen chair.

"Hm. I could have sworn it was morning already." He sat down again, hands in his lap and eyes downcast. His momentary burst of energy and activation seemed already fading.

Olivia got the dishes and started cleaning the kitchen. When she was done, she turned around and leaned against the counter. Walter was still sitting at the table, his hands idly playing with a thread on his trousers.

.

"Olivia?"

His hesitant voice almost broke her heart. "Yes, Walter?"

"I don't think I like strawberry yogurt. Do I have to eat it?"

"No, Walter. You don't have to. How about I get you some jell-o instead? The blue one, maybe?"

The older man nodded vigorously. "Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe you should get some strawberry yogurt. Just in case. It's Peter's favourite, you know?"

"I know, Walter." The burning sensation at the back of her eyes was back. She knew what was coming. The same question he asked every night.

"Do you… do you think that maybe – that maybe he will be back tomorrow? Peter?"

"I don't know, Walter." She sniffed again, hoping to stop the tear that was forming in her left eye. "But he will come back. You know that. He promised he would be back."

.

Truth was he hadn't. Peter hadn't promised anything. He hadn't even told Olivia that he was leaving. But then again, he didn't need to.

.

"I think I'm going to go to bed." Walter got up and looked intently at her. "You will be back tomorrow?"

She escorted him back into the hallway and watched as he climbed the first steps of the stairs, gathering her own coat and scarf from the rack. "Of course, Walter. I'll be here for breakfast, just like every morning. As long as you're here, I'll be here."

"Good. Until tomorrow then."

Olivia's hand was already on the doorknob when Walter called her one more time. "Olivia?"

"Yes, Walter?"

"Is it my fault? That Peter is gone?"

Olivia took a deep breath, her chest aching with every intake. "No. It's not your fault, Walter. It's mine."


	2. Chapter 1

**Thank your for your kind reviews to my first Fringe story. Hope you enjoy the next part.**

**

* * *

**

_Two months earlier._

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Peter had barely opened the door and Olivia was already in his face.

"What?" He was taken aback. This one sentence, conveyed with such anger and venom, carried more emotions than Olivia had shown him in the last weeks. Two weeks to be exact. Two weeks since he had shovelled his own grave and broken her heart.

Peter turned around to make sure Walter was still in the living room, unaware of the scene surely coming to be at his front door and stepped outside, quietly closing the door behind him.

"What's your problem?"

"My problem? What the hell were you thinking?" Olivia raked through her open hair, her breath coming in exasperated gasps. At his blank expression, she stepped towards him, her finger in his face. "Rachel and Ella are here to visit me, because YOU called her! And don't you dare lie to me, she told me."

"I never lied to you." Peter's voice was unusually calm and composed.

Olivia huffed, shaking her head and covering her mouth with her hands.

"I don't need my sister to baby-sit me. I'm fine."

"Look, Olivia. I just thought it would be nice to see them again. Especially after what happened. And besides, you haven't seen them in ages. And I bet you haven't called since you came back." Peter held up his hands placatingly.

"My life is none of your business, Peter."

Peter stood there in silence, hands in his pockets, not brave enough to disagree. Olivia took one look at him and shook her head.

"I just want you to stop! Stop bringing me coffee, stop giving me space, stop looking at me from across the room, stop asking Astrid how I'm doing. Just… just stop." Olivia's voice sounded broken, weary even and Peter could very much see the dark rings under her eyes.

She turned around ready to leave, but Peter grabbed her by her elbow and spun her back around.

"Olivia, wait."

"Let go of my arm."

"No. Not before you listen to me."

She yanked her arm out of his grip. "I don't want any more of your excuses, Peter."

"Good, because I don't have any. For weeks now I sat idly by and let the world blame me, but I've got enough of it! This is not fair. If you want to keep on hating me, fine, do it, but not without listening to me for a change." He raked his hands through his hair, trying to get a grip on himself. This was not how he had envisioned this conversation. But then again, things never were like he wanted them to be. How else could it go?

Peter looked at Olivia, gathering his thoughts. She stood before him with her arms crossed and her chin raised defiantly, though she could barely meet his eyes.

"I screwed up. Again. The story of my life." He chuckled humourlessly at this. "But the thing is… I really thought that for once in my life, I was doing something right by making you happy. As it turns out, I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I can't make you understand or… or compare this to your situation because there is only one of me. So you have absolutely no idea what it was like. I know you hate me right now and you don't want to hear this, but I-"

"Peter, don't." Olivia warned him softly. "Just… don't."

"I am here because of you, Olivia. The woman who made me stay in Boston and move in with my delusional father, just by smiling at me! The woman who is so fearless and passionate and yet so gentle and lovable. The one who drank worms to regain her memory and cares about my father maybe just as much as I do and the one…" He calmed his voice down, looking intently into her eyes. "The one who crossed over to another universe for me. I know that I screwed up. I know that. And there's nothing I could do to change that or make you understand how sorry I am. But maybe, once you can think about it, remembering this makes it a little bit harder for you to hate me.".

.

This was it. Maybe his one chance to make her see.

Yet she didn't say anything, didn't even meet his gaze.

Peter watched her silently for a moment, before turning around and walking back up to the house.

"I don't hate you."

He whirled around again in an instant. "What?"

Olivia took a deep breath, before meeting his gaze head on. Her eyes seemed more focused than they had in a long time. "As much as I want to, I don't hate you."

He barely dared to take a breath of relief, and certainly not to take a step in her direction.

"But you are right. There's nothing you can do to change this."

* * *

Olivia gently closed the door to her apartment, leaning against it silently, and tried to compose herself. She could hear her sister's voice from the living room.

.

"_On and __on you will hike, and I know you'll hike far_

_And face up to your problems whatever they are._

_You'll get mixed up of course, as you already know._

_You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go._

_So be sure when you step_

_Step with care and great tact_

_And remember that life's a great balancing act."_

_._

Taking one last breath, Olivia left her keys by the door and plastered a big smile onto her face.

.

"_Just never forget to be dexterous and deft._

_And never mix up your right foot with your left."_

_._

Ella squealed as soon as she saw her aunt in the doorjamb and immediately abandoned her mother and the book she had been reading to her on the couch.

Olivia caught the child easily and fell down onto the couch next to her sister. "Isn't it a bit late for you, Miss?"

"Nooo!"

"She wanted to wait for you to tuck her in." Rachel explained. "But now that aunt Liv is here, you can march your behind into the bathroom and brush your teeth, young lady."

Ella grudgingly climbed down from Olivia's lap, all the while grumbling something about her losing her teeth anyway.

"Liv?"

Olivia turned towards her sister. "Yeah?"

"I know that we surprised you. And you can be honest with me if you want us out of your hair, you know?"

"No." Olivia shook her head, her throat suddenly tighter than before. She could feel her eyes burning. "No. Actually… I'm really glad that you are here, Rachel." And she was. More than she had realized up until now. She tried to blink back her sudden tears, but to no avail. And as if the first teardrop burst the dam, she couldn't stop her eyes from overflowing, the tears streaming down her face. "I'm really glad that you are here."

Rachel took her into her arms instantly, stroking her back soothingly. "Liv, it's going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine. Shh…"

.

Olivia didn't know if it had been minutes or hours since she started crying as her tears slowly subsided. She stayed the way she was, head tucked into her sister's chest while Rachel's hand stroked through her hair. She felt more like herself than she had in a long time.

"Olivia?" Rachel gently asked.

"Hm?"

"I… I… earlier, I had been looking for the box of toys you kept for Ella."

Olivia merely grunted in response.

"I wasn't snooping around, but… I found a box in the hallway closet."

Olivia closed her eyes. She knew what her sister had found.

"With some stuff I think belongs to Peter."

What was she supposed to tell her sister? That they had been together? Well they had been. For some exciting and excruciating hours over there they had been. It might have been the best time of her life.

Had Peter betrayed her? Yes. But not in any way explainable to her sister.

"Hey now." Rachel wiped away the tears Olivia hadn't even noticed falling again. "It's okay. Everything will be fine."

Olivia didn't think so.


	3. Chapter 2 new

Olivia strode purposefully into the lab the next morning, but the look on Astrid's face was enough to stop her in her tracks. Olivia could see that her friend and colleague was once again reduced to a nervous ball of energy. Only this time, it was not just the restlessness of the younger woman that clued her in, but the sadness she could see in her face as well.

"What happened?" No need to sugar-coat it.

Astrid's eyes flicked around nervously and she kneaded her hands in front of her. "He just said that he's sorry and to tell Walter that he'll be back."

Olivia nodded, her face a perfectly concealing mask. "Anything else?"

"In the office." Astrid gestured with her head.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia wasted no time and made her way towards the office in the back. Astrid contemplated only for a second before she was on her heels and literally bumped into Olivia, when the later stopped abruptly a few feet in.

For the longest time she just stood there. Astrid could see her struggling.

"Olivia…" The normally so eloquent woman thought of something to say, _anything, _but nothing came to mind that could comfort her friend now.

But the soft utterance of her name seemed to be enough to rattle Olivia out of her stupor. She tentatively walked over towards the desk.

.

Peter's phone.

The transponder to Walter's tracking chip.

A letter addressed to her. _Olivia._

.

Olivia's fingers ghosted over the transponder, the cell phone and finally, the envelope. As if she were caressing them.

"Where-" Her voice was cracking and she cleared her throat. "Where's Walter?"

"I sent him with Brandon to Massive Dynamics to check out the new lab. It was the first thing I could think of."

Olivia nodded. Her irritation and anger was instantaneous.

"I can't believe he left like that…" Astrid's voice sounded genuinely upset and Olivia felt the smallest pang of guilt in her chest. But not big enough to conquer the blame she easily laid on Peter Bishop. Not yet.

"Aren't you going to read it?" Astrid's voice was tentative yet daring.

"Sure." If she had to. Olivia told herself that her hands were _not_ trembling as they reached for the envelope and gently opened it. When she unfolded the papers, she almost smiled with relief. No personal letter, no pile of blame descending upon her, nothing to lessen the insurmountable resentment she felt at the moment. Resentment for whom, she was not quite sure.

Astrid watched her face, seeing the mask crack for a bit when Olivia scrunched up her forehead in confusion. She thinks she can see the heartbreak as well.

"What is it?"

"Documents granting me legal guardianship over Walter."

She barely heard Astrid's sharp intake of breath because blood was suddenly rushing through her ears and Olivia felt as if the floor underneath her feet was ripped away. She never wanted anything in her life less than this stack of papers. These documents and the harsh truth they implied.

.

.

When they told Walter, he was confused. Although she barely knew what had transpired, Astrid did most of the talking, trying to calm Walter down. Olivia just sat beside her like an innocent bystander. Ironic really, when in reality she was anything but innocent. And she feared that Walter might just look through her, were he not submerged in his current misery. He was more perceptive than most gave him credit for. But Olivia noticed something else.

Astrid.

Astrid was an angel. She had to be. She was patient and calm and told Walter all the right things, soothing him and easing his worries. Olivia could never do this. Sure, she cared about Walter, but she had no clue how to care _for _him.

"Olivia?" Walter sounded broken. Like he did when Olivia first met him at St. Claire's.

"Yeah?"

"Do I have to go back now? Back to St. Claire's?" He was scared. Olivia could see it in his eyes.

"No. I promise, Walter. You never have to go back."

* * *

It was almost four weeks later when Olivia left the little office and crossed through the lab late one night. After much insisting on Astrid's part, the younger agent had taken to Walter's evening activities for the night. Olivia was supposed to go home early for the first time in what felt like forever.

Of course she hadn't. Instead she had stayed late, working.

The video camera was left in the middle of the empty gurney, cables already plugged in and the monitor on stand-by. How convenient.

She vaguely remembered Astrid having said something about a tape she found when she had dropped into the office earlier.

At first all Olivia could see were shaky images of the lab. Peter was at the piano, playing random bars. He seemed to be in thought, not paying attention to the camera.

"_Peter!__ Peter, here look, I found the camera."_

"_Walter!" He looked bashfully into the camera, a small smile playing around his lips. _

Olivia paused the tape for a moment. Just to look at his face. Just a second. He looked so different from when she had last seen him. Carefree.

She felt ridiculous. It was just Peter. And Peter had left. Only that there was nothing '_just_' about him.

She resumed the tape.

"_Peter, play that song you wrote, come on, play it!"_

Olivia actually had to smile when the Peter on screen rolled his eyes.

"_Only if I get to chose dinner for the rest of the week.__ And it's not going to be waffles and ice cream."_

By the shaking of the camera Olivia suspected that Walter had nodded in acceptance.

"_Okay, Walter. Which one do you want?"_

"_The one you wrote for Agent Dunham."_

Peter smiled softly, though he tried to hide it by bowing his head, but Olivia saw it none the less. She shuffled nearer towards the screen.

Peter only hesitated for a moment and then began to play, hitting the keys softly but with determination.

It was beautiful.

Perfect even.

She could feel the tears pricking at the back of her eyes. Funny. It was the first time her heart did not clench in resentment when she thought about him.

But clench it did.

She dared a look at the time stamp in the bottom right corner.

June 5th.

Four days before she found out that Peter was not from her universe.

Five days before she decided that she would do anything, no matter what, to keep him in this universe.

With her.

Crap.


	4. Chapter 3

When Olivia pulled up to the house that night and parked behind Astrid's car, she actually had to smile at the absurdity of it.

Olivia Dunham simply was not afraid. Never had been. Or as it turned out, hadn't been since she was a little girl in a drug trial.

So, with little to none experiences to compare it to, she was sure that no-one had ever been as afraid as she had been the last few months. Ever since some police tech across the country had shown her the tape with Peter leaving this universe. And that's when all had gone to hell.

Yes, Olivia was pretty sure. If she had to pick the one moment in her life that changed her completely, this had to be it.

The start of her feeling something like _fear_. Something so disabling and paralysing. She had never felt so powerless. Not even when she had fought for John Scott's life. Back then there was no fear. Only countless challenges how to solve the problem. It had been astonishingly easy back then. _Fly to Iraq. Get Peter Bishop. Get Peter Bishop to get his father. Get father to solve the problem. Piece of cake._

And now, as she got out of the car and walked up towards the house, fear was anything but a foreign feeling for her. It even provided a relief from the numbness she felt ever since she convinced herself that _she did not need Peter Bishop_.

Funny, really, since she decided it on this very steps four weeks ago. And she had chosen this night to explain to the only people left to her, hoping they would understand.

The dread she was feeling at the moment was nothing compared to the blown out fear she now knew, but it made her uneasy none the less.

* * *

"_As much as I want to, I don't hate you." It was true. Hating him woul__d make things so much easier. Maybe it would even make everything hurt less._

_Olivia met his piercing gaze and the faint hope reflected in his eyes. I__t was tearing at her._

"_But you are right. There's nothing you can do to change this."_

_Peter looked like he had been slapped. _

"_Olivia…"_

"_No." Olivia bit back her tears. "I… I just want everything to be the way it was. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel normal again."_

_He nodded, but Olivia could clearly see the defiance in his stance. Hi__s hands were stemmed into his sides and he looked at her with a new-found determination._

"_My mother told me something while I was on the other side." He looked intently at her, his voice calmer than before. "We have to take responsibility for our decisions, the good and the bad. I know that you don't want to be with me right now, but I'm ready, Olivia. I'm ready to take responsibility, and if you would just give me one chance…"_

_He crossed the distance between them with eager steps__. By the time Olivia had realised what he was doing, he was cupping her cheeks, locking her eyes with his own._

"_Let me make this right."_

"_I'm sorry, Peter." She shook her head._

_Peter huffed. __"No you're not. You're just sorry for yourself." Despite his harsh words, he was still cupping her cheeks, stroking them tenderly with his thumbs. For seconds, minutes, Olivia couldn't tell. She was caught in his eyes and the steady feel of his hands on her cheeks. _

_"Goodbye, Olivia."_

_Olivia could only watch dazedly as he turned around and went inside without sparing her another glance. _

_She felt like screaming, calling after him. Telling him not to go._

_But she never uttered a single word._

* * *

"I just thought you two deserved to know."

Olivia looked at the other two apprehensively. She could see the tears glistening in Walter's eyes.

"If you would excuse me, I think there's some banana milk still in the fridge." He stood from the couch and shuffled towards the kitchen.

"Walter-" Olivia tried to go after him, but Astrid stopped her with a hand to her arm.

"No, leave him. He needs to think about this too, you know."

When she looked at Astrid, she was met with sympathy. Honest and earnest. Olivia let herself fall back into her armchair.

"Astrid, I really am sorry. I didn't mean for you to get caught up in all this."

"It's alright, nothing to worry about."

"And you know how grateful I am to you, right? I could never care for Walter on my own. And you are wonderful with him."

"Hey." Astrid smiled at her. "It's okay. I had a lot of practice, while you were off with Peter saving the world."

Olivia chuckled.

"And I'm glad you told me what happened with Peter. It makes me feel less like…"

"We're stringing you along?" Olivia looked at her ruefully.

"Yeah." Astrid smiled.

Olivia run her hands over her hair and leant back in her armchair.

"I was too harsh on Peter, wasn't I?"

Astrid sat on the couch and looked at her pensively. "Well… that was a lot of blame to put on one man."

Olivia looked down at her hands. It sounded even worse when she said it like that.

"And I think that you were both pretty caught up in your grief."

Olivia shrugged and cleared her throat. "It was about self-preservation, you know."

.

.

Walter trudged into the living room to find both women engulfed in silence.

"Astrid, could I have a moment with Olivia please?"

Astrid shot Olivia an encouraging smile before she got up from the couch. "Sure thing. I think I'll start to ice the cake."

Olivia looked after her longingly. It wasn't that she feared Walter would hate her now that he knew she drove Peter away, not really. But it seemed easier with a heartening Astrid by her side. It was like there was an unspoken understanding between the two women.

Walter sat down on the couch's edge, opposite Olivia.

"Walter, I-"

But the older man held up a hand, silencing Olivia immediately.

"Please, Olivia, let me." He nervously ran his hands over his thighs, smoothing the fabric of his trousers. When he did look up at her, he did so with a clarity in his eyes, Olivia rarely saw in them. And for the moment, he looked just like the father figure he could have been. Should have been.

"I don't know what you have been through over there. And I don't know if you're ever ready to talk about it. But I know what happened over here and that Peter made a mistake. But he was not the only one. We all made the same mistake. I know _my son_, Olivia. And I know what guilt feels like. No matter how hard you might be on Peter, he will be even harder on himself, because he feels like he let you down. The only person, he…  
It took my son almost two decades to forgive me. And for two decades I was suffering from my guilt. I was immersed in it. But the thing is, Olivia, the moment he forgave me, not only did he set me free… he set himself free. He allowed himself to love and be loved. And he allowed himself to be hurt. You see, you don't necessarily have to forgive Peter for his sake. But for your own. So you can be whole again."

* * *

**Sorry for the long wait, life interfered. If you're still sticking with me, thank you so much.  
I know this is not much, but the next chapter is almost finished (in my mind anyway) and will be longer.  
Someone asked if I had a song in mind in Chapter 3 and actually, I imagine it to be something like "A river flows in you" by Yiruma. Before I knew that song was used in Twilight. Which totally degraded it. Or something like "The heart asks pleasure first" by Michael Nyman.  
**


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